I, Laogzed, god of the troglodytes, have a new podcast. The subject is on wizards. Here is the transcript, as promised on my podcast. The transcript differs a little because I changed some things while Dan and I were in the studio recording:
I hope you enjoy this music. I am trying to increase the production values of my podcast. Dan said that I could put any music on my podcast, and I chose this. Someday I may go into my love for human music. Anyhow, to business.
Today there is nothing so much I need to talk about except about Troglodytes. Humans know so very little about troglodytes. You’ve probably never even seen one. You may even wonder if we even exist. Let’s put that matter to rest—if we didn’t exist, why would you have the word for troglodyte? Ha ha. I have made a joke. Obviously you have words for things that don’t exist, or at most, ambiguities, half-baked notions, and abstractions. Even a bogeyman that lurks here and there. Ha ha. In a previous podcast I discussed the ambiguities of your language by dissecting the uselessness for your term for cannibalism. But cannibalism exists in some form or another. It’s just not a useful term.
Let’s talk about the word “wizard.” Just as “lizards,” wizards are things that do exist. And I’ve noticed that there is a lot of interest in them the human world, just as in the Troglodyte one. This is good that there is awareness on this topic. But many a human I think has a flippant perspective on the matter. Let me present to you a human who has the right perspective on this matter. This is from a television broadcaster, perhaps you know him, his name Bill O’Reilly. Recently he had this to say:
[Insert O'Reilly Clip]
Mr. O’Reilly is right to be suspicious. All wizards should be under suspicion. Who, you are saying to yourself. Who is this Troglodyte? Maybe you don’t like troglodytes. Maybe you think to yourself Are not the troglodytes creatures that should humans should be suspicious of? Well, I am here to tell you that it is not the troglodytes whom humans should be suspicious of. It is wizards. Let me repeat and qualify. You should be suspicious of all wizards. Troglodytes have their own interests, and sometimes interfere in human affairs in ways that are not constructive. This is the dynamics of life, of nature, what have you. As god of the troglodytes, I try my utmost to minimize the impact of natural troglodyte activities. But, and I am talking about contemporary times, the modern age, there is nothing that wizards do that is natural. They are unnatural in the worst, essential sense of the notion of being unnatural.
We are past those days of burning witches at the stake. It is a pity. I feel that we may have entered a period where we need inquisitors to root out the wizards.
Wizards are wild. They may look quite normal. They might look like just an everyday human. Your neighbor. Your co-worker. Your children’s school teacher. But they do not have your best interest at heart. They call what they do art. I appreciate art, but not when it does damage to those things we hold dear. A wizard would tell you they have a long tradition, a noble past. They will give you a name, like “Merlin.” Or the newer, fictitious names, like “Gandalf,” or “Dumbledore,” or, even, “Harry Potter.” To be sure, Merlin was a real wizard, just as there was a real Robin Hood, a real Jesus, a real Odysseus, a real Moses, a real Buddha, and a real Conan of Cimmeria. But, as you know, the stories change with the times. Gandalf and Dumbledore are tropes played on the fame of Merlin, generated to give the impression to normal humans that wizards are friendly old men, who, though secretive, have your best interests in mind. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Because the troglodytes were created by the wizards, it is awkward to comment on the activities of wizards. The troglodytes exist, as a distinct species, because wizards made us in the old times. Most troglodyte experts not believe that the creations of the first troglodytes were wizarding attempts at creating an amphibious, and, therefore, superior humanoid species. It is moot to agonize over the merits and failures of this grand experiment. Troglodytes now exist and have existed for thousands of years. In the old days, some wizards treated us we respect. Others held supreme disdain for us. The end result was that the majority of troglodytes learned to fear wizards, because, with few exceptions wizards considered troglodytes to be “property.” Specifically, all troglodytes were considered to be the property of all wizards, and, as such, were subject to their every whim. I need not go into the atrocities committed on troglodytes in the name of the so-called “wizarding” art. Even an ostensibly friendly wizard might one day decide that his troglodyte quote unquote friend might be the missing element in his latest experiment, and wake up in the morning missing an arm, his vitals, or sensory organs. Wizarding is a dirty, dark business—there’s no getting around it.
But we troglodytes owe our life to them. And this is the painful irony that we must live day in day out. We retreated to the sewers, to the abandoned alleyway, to infinite misty nights, to escape our makers, where we remain to this day. We lost most touch with humanity. And, in the mean time, the wizards all but wiped our species out. As the inquisitors of the old times knew, where there be troglodytes there be wizards. The inquisitors knew nothing of troglodyte hatred for wizards. Only that we were unnatural, like the wizards, and that we were bad for human civilization.
Let it be known, then. Troglodytes only want one thing: We want to live. We live in the dark. We eat rubbish. We eat an occasional human child. I see nothing unnatural with these modest needs of a reclusive species. I hope but do not necessarily think you will agree with me. Hear me out, humans. Troglodytes are strange and foreign to you. But we are proscribed to the margins of your civilization, and we are content to remain there.
Wizards are not content. It is not clear what they want. I am not an expert on that. We know some things about wizards. As a rule, they hate modern technology. They hate your TVs. They hate computers. They hate the internet. I’m sure they hate podcasts. The wizards are in hiding. But, with books like the Harry Potter series, they are resurrecting old, dangerous ideas. They are making the idea of the art of magic palatable. It’s quaint. It’s nostalgia. Yes. Here me, oh humans. It’s poison. This is my warning and my plea. I beg of you, Do as Mr. O’Reilly says! Be suspicious of the wizards! Thank you. You may find a transcript of this podcast on the blog Angry and Sloppy.
UPDATE: Please note, I forgot a scrap of text in this podcast. What I failed to make clear is that Troglodytes are a result of wizard experimentation. Most troglodyte experts believe that the wizards of the old times were attempting to create an amphibious, and therefore, superior humanoid when creating the troglodyte species.