New Podcast up: Sun Expert Alfred Epstein

This is one is a bit unorthodox. I have agreed to let the esteemed sun expert Alfred Epstein post a lecture. Alfred, I must let you know, is a puppet. In a series of email exchanges with Mr. Epstein I have learned much about the sun, puppets, and Canada. It must be mentioned that Alfred is a puppet and a Canadian. This information (both about Alfred and the information he provides) may or may not be interesting or relevant to you; regardless, it is to me. I had to put meltmaster's feet to the fire (metaphorically, of course) to get this one produced. But he did it.

Here is alink!

Some more information about this unusual podcast. We found Alfred through A&S contributor Sara Tarkka. She now blogs here, but is, of course, still in contact with Dan, as she is his sister. Sara has recently moved to Toronto to work on a PHD in something or other. Anyhow, she met a puppet and acquired it, I guess.

In other words, this is a very specialized interest podcast, and you may or may not appreciate it.

It matters little. As a troglodyte I am extremely interested in the sun phenomenon, owing to my primarily subterranean existence--I know little about these things! I find it quite fascinating. As far as this talk of parallel dimensions, inanimate revolutions and some talk of a mysterious character named "Mama X," I have no clue what Alfred means by this. I assume that Alfred's knowledge is a deep and esoteric, and thus beyond the domain of us laycreatures. We cannot but get a glimpse of the greater whole of this mysterious universe from hearing such learned puppets speak!

Oh yes, I hope to have an update on the dramatic events of my own life. Namely that of Gormo's insurrection, usurpation of my empire, and the subsequent events that led to his death; and my subsequent, sweet, intricate revenge on the brutish philistine. I have been out of touch, but I have returned!


In the meantime, I bid you happy listening.

Bridge Trolls

Atrios posts about an impending crisis that affects both the human and the troglodyte world. Namely, Bridge Trolls. I have not read Atrios' post, but I assume that he points out the main problems that humans face. Namely, the crumbling of your bridges, and the needless consumption of your children. I am not up to date on your scholarship, but I would assume that there is a great deal of elucidation needed on this subject. Humans tend to lump the so deemed 'lower denizens' of the Earth into one ill-stacked pile.

As god of the troglodytes, I know a great deal on this subject.

There is a great difference between The Common Bridge Troll and your garden variety troglodyte. Make sure to do your research, humans.


UPDATE: Dan wanted me to be a little more specific. It should be noted that these are the secret notes of a besieged god. I am in hiding, location undisclosed. When I get a new computer, I can start recording again, using the Skype program.

Anyhow, the things you should know about Bridge Trolls is that they are not higher lifeforms. They are cunning, essentially stupid animals. They are not creatures of reason. Above all, it should be noted, that these benighted creatures do not have recognizably developed palates. They do not appreciate the full, fruity flavors of a child in its prime. They suck it of its nutrients fully ignorant of its savor, of its life-giving attributes.

I have found a youtube video of a Bridge Troll. This one, surprisingly or unsurprisingly, has somehow managed to assimilate itself into your culture.

Sorry but I've been so busy of late

I've been directing operas and fighting an insurrection. But I wanted to share this picture I found. This is a picture of my late father, Slydz the Armless. Although, he was known as Henri in France.

Stay delicious, friends.

Wikipedia

Had you checked my entry as of late? It's filling up with tasty details.



Or perhaps I should ask, have you check yours?

What's that you say. Oh, you don't have one. Hmmmmm. How curious.

News from Laogzed

Laogzed sends his regards. He also has some issues he wants to bring up with the A&S community. Namely issues of wealth, disparity of wealth, notions of class, and other things. To further the argument, whether for clarity or obfuscuity, I just want to say that I don't have a political opinion about rich people. I just have an emotion. But this emotion, namely, hate, or envy, or whatever you want to call it is not rational. It is a self-hatred, because I am among the rich; although not among the super-rich. And if there was a global catastrophe I'm not sure what side of the wedge I'd fall into. There is a great deal of money in my extended family--but we are not aristocrats. We don't have keys to the underground tunnels. So maybe that's what I really hate, is the ones with the keys to underground tunnels. Laogzed will have something to say about that as well, I'm sure! Hoping to get him in the studio soon.

I, Laogzed, God of the Troglodytes, present:

My latest podcast.

Click here to get your own player.


For the transcript, please click here.

A note about Laogzed's podcast

If you want quick access to Laogzed's insightful commentary on Troglodyte-Human relations, simply scroll to the very bottom of this page, you'll find a podcast player.

Laogzed's Podcast

I, Laogzed, god of the troglodytes, have a new podcast. The subject is on wizards. Here is the transcript, as promised on my podcast. The transcript differs a little because I changed some things while Dan and I were in the studio recording:

I hope you enjoy this music. I am trying to increase the production values of my podcast. Dan said that I could put any music on my podcast, and I chose this. Someday I may go into my love for human music. Anyhow, to business.

Today there is nothing so much I need to talk about except about Troglodytes. Humans know so very little about troglodytes. You’ve probably never even seen one. You may even wonder if we even exist. Let’s put that matter to rest—if we didn’t exist, why would you have the word for troglodyte? Ha ha. I have made a joke. Obviously you have words for things that don’t exist, or at most, ambiguities, half-baked notions, and abstractions. Even a bogeyman that lurks here and there. Ha ha. In a previous podcast I discussed the ambiguities of your language by dissecting the uselessness for your term for cannibalism. But cannibalism exists in some form or another. It’s just not a useful term.

Let’s talk about the word “wizard.” Just as “lizards,” wizards are things that do exist. And I’ve noticed that there is a lot of interest in them the human world, just as in the Troglodyte one. This is good that there is awareness on this topic. But many a human I think has a flippant perspective on the matter. Let me present to you a human who has the right perspective on this matter. This is from a television broadcaster, perhaps you know him, his name Bill O’Reilly. Recently he had this to say:

[Insert O'Reilly Clip]

Mr. O’Reilly is right to be suspicious. All wizards should be under suspicion. Who, you are saying to yourself. Who is this Troglodyte? Maybe you don’t like troglodytes. Maybe you think to yourself Are not the troglodytes creatures that should humans should be suspicious of? Well, I am here to tell you that it is not the troglodytes whom humans should be suspicious of. It is wizards. Let me repeat and qualify. You should be suspicious of all wizards. Troglodytes have their own interests, and sometimes interfere in human affairs in ways that are not constructive. This is the dynamics of life, of nature, what have you. As god of the troglodytes, I try my utmost to minimize the impact of natural troglodyte activities. But, and I am talking about contemporary times, the modern age, there is nothing that wizards do that is natural. They are unnatural in the worst, essential sense of the notion of being unnatural.

We are past those days of burning witches at the stake. It is a pity. I feel that we may have entered a period where we need inquisitors to root out the wizards.

Wizards are wild. They may look quite normal. They might look like just an everyday human. Your neighbor. Your co-worker. Your children’s school teacher. But they do not have your best interest at heart. They call what they do art. I appreciate art, but not when it does damage to those things we hold dear. A wizard would tell you they have a long tradition, a noble past. They will give you a name, like “Merlin.” Or the newer, fictitious names, like “Gandalf,” or “Dumbledore,” or, even, “Harry Potter.” To be sure, Merlin was a real wizard, just as there was a real Robin Hood, a real Jesus, a real Odysseus, a real Moses, a real Buddha, and a real Conan of Cimmeria. But, as you know, the stories change with the times. Gandalf and Dumbledore are tropes played on the fame of Merlin, generated to give the impression to normal humans that wizards are friendly old men, who, though secretive, have your best interests in mind. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Because the troglodytes were created by the wizards, it is awkward to comment on the activities of wizards. The troglodytes exist, as a distinct species, because wizards made us in the old times. Most troglodyte experts not believe that the creations of the first troglodytes were wizarding attempts at creating an amphibious, and, therefore, superior humanoid species. It is moot to agonize over the merits and failures of this grand experiment. Troglodytes now exist and have existed for thousands of years. In the old days, some wizards treated us we respect. Others held supreme disdain for us. The end result was that the majority of troglodytes learned to fear wizards, because, with few exceptions wizards considered troglodytes to be “property.” Specifically, all troglodytes were considered to be the property of all wizards, and, as such, were subject to their every whim. I need not go into the atrocities committed on troglodytes in the name of the so-called “wizarding” art. Even an ostensibly friendly wizard might one day decide that his troglodyte quote unquote friend might be the missing element in his latest experiment, and wake up in the morning missing an arm, his vitals, or sensory organs. Wizarding is a dirty, dark business—there’s no getting around it.

But we troglodytes owe our life to them. And this is the painful irony that we must live day in day out. We retreated to the sewers, to the abandoned alleyway, to infinite misty nights, to escape our makers, where we remain to this day. We lost most touch with humanity. And, in the mean time, the wizards all but wiped our species out. As the inquisitors of the old times knew, where there be troglodytes there be wizards. The inquisitors knew nothing of troglodyte hatred for wizards. Only that we were unnatural, like the wizards, and that we were bad for human civilization.

Let it be known, then. Troglodytes only want one thing: We want to live. We live in the dark. We eat rubbish. We eat an occasional human child. I see nothing unnatural with these modest needs of a reclusive species. I hope but do not necessarily think you will agree with me. Hear me out, humans. Troglodytes are strange and foreign to you. But we are proscribed to the margins of your civilization, and we are content to remain there.

Wizards are not content. It is not clear what they want. I am not an expert on that. We know some things about wizards. As a rule, they hate modern technology. They hate your TVs. They hate computers. They hate the internet. I’m sure they hate podcasts. The wizards are in hiding. But, with books like the Harry Potter series, they are resurrecting old, dangerous ideas. They are making the idea of the art of magic palatable. It’s quaint. It’s nostalgia. Yes. Here me, oh humans. It’s poison. This is my warning and my plea. I beg of you, Do as Mr. O’Reilly says! Be suspicious of the wizards! Thank you. You may find a transcript of this podcast on the blog Angry and Sloppy.

UPDATE: Please note, I forgot a scrap of text in this podcast. What I failed to make clear is that Troglodytes are a result of wizard experimentation. Most troglodyte experts believe that the wizards of the old times were attempting to create an amphibious, and therefore, superior humanoid when creating the troglodyte species.

Just a short note: Wizards, homosexual or otherwise

I cannot speak for the Trolls. Dan cannot speak for the Troglodytes. I speak for the Troglodytes. By indescribably excruciating rites, I have become god of the Troglodytes.

Anyhow, I have been watching Human Television, and I decided that the human I like most is Bill O'Reilly. He has taken a stand on wizards, and I have to agree whole-heartedly with his point of view:

O’REILLY: Of any of them. Although those wizards, I’m very very suspicious about what they’re doing in their spare time. So, I think, this is my conclusion, is that J.K. Rowling is a provocateur, did it on purpose, and now is going to let all hell break loose.

The notion that there are "good" wizards is a tragic misnomer. Humans would be wise to scrupulously scrutinize the doings of their wizards, and how they have damaged your civilization. That's all the time I have at the moment. Hopefully I will have time to go more into these issues in my upcoming podcast.

Laogzed Podcast Launch

I have decided to venture further into the human internet. Troglodytes have an internet, but it is actually a series of tubes inlaid surreptitiously in the depths of your sewer systems. We post mostly goos and other exudations. Anyhow, you can upload my commentaries onto your mp3 receptacle so you can mull over the intricacies of my, well, my mullings. So, here it is: Mull in Audio format. The Laogzed Podcast has launched! Click your tender fingers on your computer apparatus here to hear my voice!

On Cannibalism: Cannibalis Humongous

Laogzed here. I am god of the troglodytes. Sarcasmus, AKA Dan, the host of this blog, has assured me that, everyday, thousands of healthy human readers read this internet site. I have been offered this venue to set the record straight in those matters where humans and troglodytes intersect. I have already blogged three times on issues that are important to me, and I am very happy about this dialogue. Namely, no complaints so far. So let us go onward into these undiscovered geographies of human and troglodyte relations, interests and issues!

I am in bit of a dilemma. I am caught up in a troglodyte scandal that wouldn't normally concern the likes of you. But it occurs to me that in this venue I can mull upon matters openly that I could not in the troglodyte community. So hear me out.

I am one of a very few elite of troglodytes that has managed to make intelligible sense of the human world. Basically, because I have been able to learn English, I have scratched and poked my way to the top of the Troglodyte shit-pile.

Excuse me. I am not as self-assured as I usually am. I'm not on the ball. I'm not in the pocket. (I must exercise my idiomatic English.) I have been flustered as of late. As God of the Troglodytes, I am in charge of promoting troglodyte causes, and ensuring the well-being of troglodytes in general. But lately there has been talk in the troglodyte community about me, not because I have started opining in English. No. Instead, it concerns the ethics of my eating habits, and that is because I have imported human ideas into the troglodyte community. There has been much discourse as of late on this topic.

This topic, Oh Dear Me, the topic of concern is, one, namely, the topic of cannibalism.

(I fell in love with English language at a young age. I love these words. These are beautiful sounds that your lovely human mouths form everyday. Listen to them: Cannibal;Cannibalizing and cannibalized. But I should try to get to the point. And gods should not parenthesize. Everything we utter is important.)

Let's find some common ground. According to the English dictionary, Webster, the definition of a cannibal is "One that eats the flesh of its own kind." Keep this definition in mind. It is so easy to take our definitions for granted. I continue.

No need to go too deeply into my personal life, but I offhandedly remarked that the humans have this idea of cannibals, and cannibalizing. Christ, I had no idea what a can of worms I opened by doing this. Christ, Christ, Christ.

Let me set the scene, as they say. I was eating supper of my family. Arg. Ugh. The ocean that is the English language can be tricky to navigate. I need to be aware of my prepositions. (There are no prepositions in the troglodyte language. ) Let me rephrase: I was eating supper with my family. Dinner is a lovely time; we all sit at the dinner pit--it is quite a democracy--the sound of laughter and gnashing, the smells of dead things and rich sauces. And, anyhow, as God of the troglodytes, the troglodytes always send me gifts in tribute to my superiority, and often these gifts come in form of interesting pickled things. And eating one of the many of things amongst the festival of food, I mentioned to my cousin that what I was doing, was, technically, in human terms, "cannibalistic." By eating the treat offered to me out kindness by one of my subjects, I said to my cousin--let's call him cousin "B"--I was engaging in what humans call "cannibalism." Mind you, this was just idle chit-chat. But, as seems inevitable in hindsight, this idea escaped the inner sanctum of my dinner court. Thusly, tragically, the troglodytes have the human idea of being "cannibal," and "cannibalistic."

Be assured, gentle, tender reader, forever more I shall be more careful about what I learn from human culture! But now they have this alien, human idea. It's outrageous, but there is no denying it. I am a troglodyte, and therefore if I eat a troglodyte, I am a cannibal.

This has caused me some problems. As you say in Human English, a real dilly of a pickle. (That is a very strange idiomatic expression, I think. I don't think I will use it again.) But while we are on the prickly subjects of definitions and pickles, let us look at another definition:

Pickle: Noun: an article of food that has been preserved in brine or in vinegar; specifically : a cucumber that has been so preserved

Let us be exact here: in Human English, a pickle is food that has been preserved in brine or in vinegar, but, SPECIFICALLY, a cucumber. And, coordinately, a cannibal is one that eats the flesh of one's own kind. But what is a cannibal--or cannibalism--in the specific? I think it is very likely if not totally probable that all of this controversy in the troglodyte community about my so-called "cannibalistic practices" can be tempered by creating more accurate definitions. To be certain, this is a squeamish issue for a troglodyte, and so it must be positively disgusting for a human. But, bear with me, I must continue this line of thought to its logical conclusion.

To mollify my sweet troglodytes, who wish to offer gifts to me in honor of my superiority, but in a way that upholds their dignity, I propose both a specific definition for cannibalism, as well as a general definition. Other wise, the troubles will get worse, and I may not be able to contain them by my usual methods.

Here are my suggestions for the Human English Dictionaries: Cannibalism, in the general, yes, is and should be defined as the act of eating one's own kind. But cannibalism in the specific must surely only refer to eating one's own kind as a main meal! So, if you are a human, if you eat the flesh of another human, you are a cannibal in the general. But specific cannibalism is the wanton consumption of another human's flesh for the purposes of sating one's appetite. Quite a difference, wouldn't you say!

And, so the ethics emerge in relief: all cannibalism is wrong. But specific cannibalism is more wrong than general cannibalism, just as a specific pickle is a cucumber pickle, while a general pickle can be anything pickled.

And so, I beseech those in the human community to spread this idea. Dan has told me of the thousands of the moist human eyeballs that graze these words everyday. Let it be known that the god of troglodytes has proclaimed that all cannibalism is wrong.

But I am allowed a cannibalistic snack, because my snack is cannibalistic in the general, not in the specific. And, to be more specific, pickled flesh does not count as a meal in the specific. And this is the aforementioned dilly of the pickle. (I'm not sure I have mastered this idiomatic expression, excuse my abuse of your beautiful language!) Because I, in general, as God of the Troglodytes, eat pickled flesh quite often. In fact, troglodyte flesh is only, strictly, edible in pickled form. And this is where this definition, or, rather, this redefinition, displays its utility. Unpickled troglodyte flesh is akin to the human taste for catfish. Raw catfish are delectable to the average troglodyte (as are raw cats.) But to a human, catfish must be amplified, garnished, or in some way changed in order for them to become edible. I know this because I have watched quite a number of cooking shows on human cable TV. Anywise, only really hungry troglodytes (and there are many) are able to ingest an untreated piece of troglodyte meat.

For most of troglodyte history, cannibalism, in its general sense, has been widely practiced, refined, accepted, appreciated. Really, the pickling of troglodyte flesh has a proud tradition. It is an art. In the troglodyte language, the word for pickling and the word for "green" are the same. In greening the troglodyte flesh, the artisan ripens the great flavors that are buried in the extremely bitter and tough connecting tissues harvested from any troglodyte, be it young or old. (This cherished, age-old tradition would be a good subject for a post in the future.) My previous post was about the magnificent flavors of children, and how this impacts the well-being of my beloved troglodytes. I believe I mentioned that the flavors of sick children paled in comparison to the succulent lushness of healthy children. And I also mentioned that the great troglodyte chefs can surmount these obstacles by principled use of traditional troglodyte food preparation techniques. These time-honored, meticulous procedures are the result of centuries upon centuries of refinements in the practice of "greening" troglodyte meats. Greening is integral to troglodyte tradition and culture. The processes arose out of necessity to make good meals with limited resources. No doubt, there are other culinary traditions, if not eminent cuisines, that were inspired to maximize nutrition, enjoyment and flavor in desperate times.

So, this is what all the ruckus is about. Should we abandon our savory, hallowed heritage because of this unintentionally imported human concept of general cannibalism? It should be obvious that my point of view is that troglodytic traditions should be upheld; we are a distinct species from humans. I believe that the troglodytes have a lot to learn from homo sapiens, but when it comes to a good meal, sometimes we must fall back on our legacies, or traditions. I say, let us embrace the new, but let us not let go of the past. If we latch-on to human trends, just as if humans latch-on to troglodytic trends, we may lose contact of the the accumulated collective insights that our ancestors went to so much trouble to compile. And if there's one thing worse than consuming your brethren, it is consuming your past; the loss of memory is the loss of the Earth. Subterranean or otherwise. Thank you.

More bad news for heathens: Behold the Atheist's Nightmare--UPDATED

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, or at least, bad news middleman, but here are some serious knocks to the evolution worldview: (via Sadly, No)
Teflon Peanut Butter Point:

And behold the Atheist's Nightmare:

Next we have an interview with Kirk Cameron and Bill O'Reilly (softened with commentary by Youtube's own "Pothead Pundit.) I bring this to you not for your entertainment but only as a citation. I wish the whole world to remember Bill's rebuke to the evolution worldview: "Sun goes up, sun goes down; tide comes in, tide comes out—there’s no miscommunication." That's it. There's no "miscommunication." Bill mentions Richard Dawkins, who I think is a foolish man for getting into this argument. It's not worth debating with masterbaiters like Bill. But I love this insight in the intellectual world of Bill, "No Miscommunication." God's will is a communication, and he makes no mistakes. So let me throw in some Werner Herzog, which is something that can reconcile the abyss with superstition: Creation is a Mistake.

guest blogged by:
Laogzed,

god of the troglodytes

Oops, forgot to include the disgusting Bill O'Reilly video.

Feast on the SLIME my sloppies!