Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fantastic Wedding Toast or Best Man Speech

This is adapted from a speech given in the Kurosawa movie "The Bad Sleep Well."

Traditionally, in making a wedding toast, we stick to the same old sugarcoated cliches. Frankly, my father isn't crazy about the aspects of (insert groom's name)'s past outlined in a detective agency report.

But then it's not my father getting married. (Pause for laughter.)

My father has to accept that (insert bride's name) is in love with him. Fact is, I love him too. We became friends a year and a half ago when I bought a used sport car from his tiny car dealership. Since then, I've learned that (insert groom's name) has a rare sense of justice.

Rumors are flying about this wedding, about (insert groom's name) using my sister's disability to boost himself up the corporate ladder. But I swear it can't be true. I'm firmly convinced of that.

Hey, (insert groom's name.) I'm counting on you to look after my sister. She's had a tough life. I may be a mess but I'd do anything to protect her. Listen, (insert groom's name.) If you make my sister unhappy, I swear I'll kill you.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Fun with Tasers

Silbur is angry about the sloppy use of tasers. Silbur talks about the bro who got tasered, Andrew Meyer (no relation), and how he wasn't a wacko, but just a dissenter. A one time dissenter myself, this has given me serious pause.

On her show one day shortly after the Meyer incident, Rhodes' guest was Jonathan Turley. One primary focus of Turley's comments was especially enlightening, and particularly alarming. Turley's concern was the increasingly common Catch-22 of our increasingly authoritarian government: police approach you about some matter; in many instances, you have committed no crime at all; if you question the police -- or do anything at all that the police will later construe as "resisting arrest" -- then the police get you for that. In this manner, the police have free rein to arrest anyone and everyone. All they have to do is come up to you, for any reason or for no reason. If you do anything, if you even continue to breathe, you may be accused of resisting arrest. Out come the tasers, among other instruments of torture. If you manage to keep breathing and live, off to jail you go.
In this manner and in many similar ways, we see how cruelty, barbarity and torture have become normalized in America. We feel no need to mention that the sun rose again this morning; it is an unremarkable, known, predictable fact, one of no significance whatsoever. And so it is now with torture and inhuman cruelty. These practices are now so common as to be unworthy of comment. The sun rises and sets; America tortures and murders, many times a day, every day, throughout the darkening years. There is nothing to note here.

This shit is scary, as James Wolcott points out. Tasers torture and kill:

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Nov. 25) - A Canadian man died Saturday, four days after police used a Taser stun-gun on him because he reportedly was acting erratically in a store, police said. He was the third person to die in recent weeks in Canada after being shocked by the hand-held weapon.

I guess I don't want to live in that country either. I'd rather be caned.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fun with Time Magazine; Contagious Diffusion; thod publishes

Not that we should be spending anytime thinking about a Magazine that lavishly publicized hatemonger Ann Coulter not so long ago, but Glenn Greenwald has some things to say about that particular weekly that illuminates the contagious diffusion that is the sputumous mass that is the US media. For example:

That is the real story here. That's how our political system works. Scheming GOP operatives feed whispered lies to their favorite, most gullible, most slothful and/or dishonest Beltway journalists. Gleeful and grateful that they have been chosen for this dirty task, these journalists then scamper and write down what they were told and think that, by doing so, they are engaged in what they call "original reporting" -- which means uncritically passing on what they're told by government sources. As a result, they continue to obfuscate every key political issue and mislead Americans by doing the opposite of what journalists are supposed to do.

Thanks to thod for the term "contagious diffusion." Apparently it's a geographical term. I don't quite understand it in my head, but I get it in my gut. Anyhow, congratulations are in order to thod, she has been published, academically, for the first time in RIIM, a Canadian geographical journal. I'm not sure what it's about, and I can't seem to find it online. It might be about the migratory patterns of lentils and associated phosphates. But I'm not sure. Anyhow here is a congratulatory image:

Friday, November 23, 2007

Immanentizing the Eschaton

The Nexus of Wacky! The hub of Conservative thought and Illuminati paranoia!

No offense to Discordians, but you guys are a little wacky!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

More Fun with Ron Paul: Ghostwriters in the Sky

Well, my mind on Ron Paul was decided as soon as I looked at his fundamental ideology. People seem to be attracted to him because he speaks his mind, and he wants to restore "liberty" to the constitution. Say what you will about the democratic candidates, but, ultimately, each one of them is at least in favor of traditional liberal values. You know, New Deal, Great Society, Unions, Civil Rights such as Immigrant Rights, Gay Marriage, Women's Rights (including icky abortions), active oversight on industry, all that wonderful crap. Ron Paul is not a liberal. He is a libertarian. If that means something to you, great. If not, well, more power to you. It means enough to me not to vote for him. Though I would welcome Ron Paul one-billion times more as president than I would Rudy Giuliani.

Anyhow, in reference to those quotes, I got them from this openleft post, which pulled them from a article entitled "Ron Paul's Skeleton Closet." As the article entails, the quotes were culled from a newsletter, his own newsletter in an article bylined by Ron Paul. The newsletter was not intended for the general public, but for fellow Libertarians; and it was written before he switched to the Republican party. This was 1992. Realchange puts it:

In 2001, as Paul moved to the mainstream and rejoined the Republican party, he disavowed these comments and blamed them on an unnamed ghostwriter. But when Paul ran for Congress in 1996, as a Libertarian, his opponent brought these up to show that Paul had fringe ideas. At that time, Paul told the Houston Chronicle that he opposed racism and his commentaries about blacks came in the context of "current events and statistical reports of the time." In other words, he didn't deny writing the Ron Paul column in the Ron Paul newsletter, profits of which go to Ron Paul, until many years later. Then he claimed that his campaign aides thought it would be "too confusing" to tell the truth, so he had to lie and accept responsibility.

It's all just too confusing. Just like Bush's military and criminal record, as openleft points out. So if you love Ron Paul, don't worry about it. We must be too stupid to see how he's not racist.


And for more about the legal definition of byline and ghostwriting, see this. But that's only for those stickler-types.

My regards and interactions to The Ron Paul Post

So, I was highly amused by those Ron paul quotes that sloppy gave us a few days ago. Amused because I have seen all these gen y-ers around town with their stenciled "ron paul 2008" signs hastily taped to light posts and highway signs and what not. A real grassroots campaign!

I was amused, like I said, so I decided to repost that post on myspace. Then I realized that Ron Paul was one of the few Presidential candidates that was not my "friend." So, I requested it. And he immediately responded. We are now "friends."

So, because I'm a very good "friend" and because I'm also a very part time internet rabble-rouser, I decided to send him that post. Again, almost immediately I got a response:

Nov 21, 2007 10:06 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]


RE: Request to Approve Comment

show me the videos or the original letters in Ron Paul's own writing that this came from. I bet my life savings that you cannot. The sources were congressional opponents who made them up in a smear campaign.

Greg Chamberlain
MySpace Moderator for Ron Paul

Wow! The system works! So, my question is, what next? Should I give him those source sites, forget it, insult him, what?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dwarfs or Dwarves?

Friedman on 9/11:
These young men are dwarfs, and dwarfs look for tall towers to bring down, to feel tall.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Fun Ron Paul Quotes

From via Openleft:

"If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be." - Ron Paul, 1992

"Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal." - Ron Paul, 1992

"We don't think a child of 13 should be held responsible as a man of 23. That's true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult and should be treated as such." - Ron Paul, 1992

"What else do we need to know about the political establishment than that it refuses to discuss the crimes that terrify Americans on grounds that doing so is racist? Why isn't that true of complex embezzling, which is 100 percent white and Asian?" - Ron Paul, 1992

Oh well. I guess we're gonna have to vote for Hillary. Or, as I like to call her, Hillary Clinton.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Mike Jones

I was watching the BET tonight and caught end of Mike Jones' movie The American Dream. It starred Mike Jones and it had Mike Jones music--Mike Jones is a rapper/producer from Texas and constantly reminds you he is Mike Jones. The movie didn't make sense, but I only saw the last 45 minutes. I couldn't ruin it if I tried. But Mike Jones gets a contract for his music and drinks Champagne with his lawyer and the Mike Jones crew. Mike Jones' grandmother died, and his girlfriend got beat up by Mike Jones' nemesis, other rapper guy with funny teeth. Then Mike Jones appears to get revenge by killing them. But you only see them shooting--you don't see if the nemesis and his buddy got shot--even though Mike Jones and his crew were firing at point-blank. Then it cuts to Mike Jones talking to Mike Jones' Lawyer. Then you see a woman in another scene killing Mike Jones' nemesis. She had stopped by the side of the road (there appears to be only one road in Houston) and she flirtatiously beckons them to help her with her car that is ostensibly broken down. Then when kneel over to look at the inner workings of her vehicle she shoots them both in the back with a gun. So Mike Jones' nemesis got killed twice. Don't mess with Mike Jones. So Mike Jones ends up with all his money and his platinum jewelry and a hummer bursting with gleaming rims so don't tell Mike Jones that there's no such thing as dreams turning into reality. Can't blame him. If my name was Mike Jones, I'd say it all the time, and be famous too. There's something totally solid and providential about that name, Mike Jones. Even in the hip-hop world, usually you could get away with saying your name once a song, if not once an album. But, somehow, the name Mike Jones is asking to be spoken over and over. It is such a mundane name; in the sense that Shakespeare wrote in a mundane language. Mike Jones. Mike Jones. Mike Jones. Most of his songs begin with him introducing himself, utilizing both his Christian and given Surname; In addition, in many a Mike Jones track the chorus is simply a mantric "Mike Jones, Mike Jones, Mike Jones." He also likes to give out his cellphone number. I'll have to call it sometime. I want to call it and have him answer "Mike Jones." Then I'd hang it up. The next day, I'd call it again just to hear him say it, "Mike Jones," again. And then maybe I'd say, is this Mike Jones? Yeah, he'd say, this is Mike Jones. Really? The Mike Jones. That's right. Mike Jones, he'd say. Oh! I have been made aware that there is another Mike Jones movie. I am sure that it is also about Mike Jones' life. Mike Jones.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

American Ugly: Norman Mailer

I've never read any Norman Mailer. But after reading this little essay on him by Farzana Versey, I really want to.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A note about Laogzed's podcast

If you want quick access to Laogzed's insightful commentary on Troglodyte-Human relations, simply scroll to the very bottom of this page, you'll find a podcast player.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Number Crunching: The Chronically Delicious

(Transcript from my podcast:)

There is a fine line between public service and charity. What the Troglodytes have been doing is a public service, but now the humans are asking too much. I have looked at the human statistics, and the news, as you may have heard, is, that those humans categorized as being chronically homeless have reduced in number over the last year by ten percent. Statistical analysis only gets one so far--as human social scientists have discovered. These human researchers have asked themselves, where have these humans gone? Well, I can tell you where they have gone. These humans, or rather, should I say, these numbers have been removed from your spreadsheets by the maws of hungry troglodytes. As I've said before, troglodytes cannot help it if human flesh tastes good to a troglodyte, and, unluckily, troglodyte flesh tastes disgusting to humans. But this is a clean-up job. We are not eating these humans because we need to. Up to now, it has been public service.

Troglodytes are fiercely individualistic. We are not tribal thinking brutes. But we also know our place in the world and recognize public institutions help coordinate the activities of all creatures--and all creatures should feel bound to the public sphere to some extent. In short, we must all try to make this world a better place to live.

And so we eat the discards of your civilization. Or, rather, I should say, we utilize the discards. For we use your discarded humans in much cleverer ways than humans themselves do. This is a shame. I watch with dismay how many of your discards are simply buried to rot, or burned into useless ash. It is strange that so much fuss and capital is expended over expired humans; whilst you have so many humans, whom you define as "Chronically Homeless", who are sick and lonely and therefore unpalatable.

I am warning the Accountants of Death that if they keep winnowing their records, the troglodytes will begin refusing to do their bidding.

Let me explain the situation. In order to make your society seem more civilized, the Accountants of Death have decided that the Chronically Homeless are defined only as those who have no family or friends that they can stay with. Good, you are saying to yourself. This is a good definition. Who cares about these people? Nobody. They have no friends, they have no family, let the troglodytes eat them.

Well, let me tell you, one who would think such a thing, this is not a happy situation.

Troglodytes have long been a part of the solution to the human's so-called homeless problem. Co-existing with humans for thousands of years in your festering cities, we have done our part in cleaning things up and eating a few homeless persons here and there. Let me tell you, we have eaten our fill of old boney codgers in cardboard boxes. Number crunching, let's call it. Well, don't narrow the definition. We will eat your refuse, but only if it has flavor. The numbers with family have more flavor, and, consequently, more nutritional value to a troglodyte. If we simply ate tired old men whom nobody loved, well, I wouldn't go so far to say that the human species has become a parasite on the troglodyte one, but let's say that the symbiotic relationship is being strained to the seams!

I hope I am getting my point across. I think it might be too strong to say that the human species has become a parasite on the troglodytes. Well, let us look at the definitions of parasite. The first definition of parasite is: Parasite, in biology A (generally undesirable) living organism that exists by stealing the resources needed by another (generally desirable) living organism. The second definition of parasite is: Parasite, (pejorative) A useless person who always relies on other people's work and gives nothing back. Unlike cannibal, this word, parasite, exists in the troglodyte language. We have been called parasitic by humans for a long time, and many a troglodyte slurs another troglodyte by this defaming pejorative. As in "Leave me alone, you parasite." In point of fact it is one of the worst insults a troglodyte can level at another. For a point of reference, in troglodyte culture, claiming that one has a parasitic nature is as bad as, in human culture, referring to and exaggerating about the sexual practices of another's parent, namely, one's mother. It is a slippery slope, and doomed to a violent outcome.

So, I am saying to you Accountants of Death, do your work. Those humans who have families or friends to stay with but have no home, or even a room of their own, should be regarded as what they are, properly. Namely, they should be regarded as Homeless. And homeless of the worst sort. In the troglodyte language we do not have such a concept as "Homeless." We call these people who are sleeping on couches and floors and lawns of their family and so-called friends what they properly are: Parasites. These parasites are being fed and being kept warm. Those old men in boxes, and those old bag ladies have no families and are practically the walking-dead. But the choice morsels are those indolent leeches that live on you and have no income or self-respect. So you see that both the biological and pejorative definitions of parasite in Human English are at play here.

I know about parasites. I have a few in my own home. I cannot do anything about it. As god of the troglodytes I try to run a tight ship, as the idiomatic expression goes, but things get out of hand. And there's nothing I can do. Oh I have an outrageous example for you! My wife's cousin has been sleeping in front of our hearth for decades now. His name is Gromo. Gromo Glasan Tubalny. My wife's cousin Gromo is just dead weight with stupid opinions. And, to add insult to injury, because of my wife's insistence, he eats with us when we have supper. Every day passes, he gets stupider and fatter and lazier. He has lost all momentum. He has enough energy to get food past his rubbery lips and release waste from his stentorian bowels. What am I supposed to do with this? I would just assume load this fellow into a cart of some design when he's full of my family's food and dump on the corner of one of your city centers and let him rot, or better, used to feed the human elderly--in some sort of stew, for example. There are a half a dozen loafers in my domicile, that I can recount from memory. But if I had a choice of which sponge I'd like to expunge from my home, it would most definitely be Gromo. When he opens his mouth to do anything but eat my food, this cousin of mine says the most grotesque things. Opinions of the most foul persuasion. He is a pseudo-intellectual, with pseudo-intellectual opinions about art, poetry, politics, and most blasphemously, human matters. He is obsessed with humans, but he does not know a human language. I gave him a tape recorder and an English learning set. He listens to it and spouts such awful opinions about baser human creations, such as TV sitcoms, and progressive new-age music. He really should be executed. But even the god of the troglodytes must live within the rule of law. I must stay bound. I am part of a community. And so the hated Gromo lords over my house while I try to humbly rule the troglodytes. I am trying to convince him to go explore the human world. I am sure he will be eaten by a gorilla or maybe even a large dog if he tries such an endeavor. I would poison him, but I fear retribution even more than I fear his stinking opinions on the latest Windham release, or ECM's latest, or a rare Mannheim Steamroller that he found. God I hate him. He even enjoys human entertainer Garrison Keillor's singing. And, this is a topic that I may have to elaborate upon on another podcast, I demand that the humans either abolish the death penalty, or pass a law banning Garrison Keillor from singing in public.

Anywise, my point is, everywhere we have parasites. And these humans living just on the margins of what you deem chronically homeless. These humans have no place. Give them to me. We will eat him or her. Thank you. Now I will leave with some real human singing.

Global Warming

According to this lady:

You want to know something; one person that will remain nameless had the nerve to state that we need to get serious about population control. He even stated that we need a reduction of the population in order to control global warming. The figures he used were that the earth could only sustain about one billion and we have over six billion. He feels that a study is needed. I can bet by his opinion of population control that he believes in abortion and euthanasia. I wonder what age the genocide would have to start to satisfy this global warming radical.

The nerve of this person. How dare this person suggest we study the effects of overpopulation! All I was doing was a modest internet search about the effect of volcanic gases on global warming and I was schocked out of my gourd to discover that there are people who are concerned about numbers of people on this planet! And, because it logically follows, this person who believes in Universal Holocaust also believes in abortion and believes in euthanasia. I don't know who wrote the Bible on Abortion, but I hope they are frying in Hell!

Hillary Clinton is a Marxist

I just found out!

Ha ha. Just kidding. I love those email circulated chunks of wisdom, truth and trivia. And when I say love, I mean hate. Regardless of intent or origin.

Also, I want to let you know that Laogzed and I are going into the studio tonight to record another podcast.

How many light bulbs does it take to save the Earth?

None of them, apparently:

As you’ve probably heard, if one million American households each changed four lightbulbs to eco-friendly fluorescent, we would eliminate 900,000 tons of greenhouse gases a year. That’s less than one teragram, or about one-seventh of the emissions of just the US rice-cultivation industry.

Via cursor.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Flight of the Navigator: Redux

The other night, my wife and I caught Flight of the Navigator on the Hall mark Channel. I loved this movie when I was kid. Sure now, it's dated, but in a good way. And from a screenplay perspective it is incredibly well structured, if not insipid.

So, here's the kid fromt he movie, in 1996, the only current picture I could find on the web:

And Howard Hesseman was in the film too. I always thought he'd make a good Dad, at least in a sitcom.

I would've added links, but my computer doesn't seem to be liking blogger at the, soon...

Anyways, I enjoyed it. It's nice to get 80s nostalgia once in awhile....

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Hollywood Scab-writer Available Here!

Here's this for your sitcom script:

puke puke puke. blah blah blah. puke puke puke. blah blah blha. ha ha ha ha

(cue laughter)

puke puke puke. blah blah blah blah. puke puke puke. blah blah blah. ha ha h a. seriously, I'll take the job! I need money!

UPDATE: Just in case--this is a joke. I'm no fuckin' SCAB. I support Unions, collective bargaining--everything short of smashing the state. (Well, fuck it, smash the state.) Fuck those corporate money-grubbing scum. Fuck those bastards. Even if you write for Two and Half Men, you deserve your share of the loot. I laugh at a well crafted puke joke. I'm only human.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Still not sure.

But if Hillary wins, at least we'll have a president, finally, who cares about the French oil-industry.

I'm not sure.

But I think Hillary Clinton will be our Tony Blair. Whatever that means. Whatever that means to whomever. However it can mean anything. However it can mean anything to anybody. Wherever it means something for anyone. In anyway, in any shape--for whomever it could--and in whatever possible way it might!