Writing a Good Hook: Fuck it

I'm sick of hooks. I don't want my students to write good hooks. I want them to write good essays. If you have a good idea, it'll hook me.

I don't know if I could write an essay to save my life, but hooks are stupid.

I'm grading Korean essays and they are graded on the base of having a good hook and a good thesis. Both are equally valued, mind you. My thesis: This is illustrative of our (increasingly shared) endemic superficial culture that values shininess. And it's crap; and it makes me weep. This is what is wrong in my world; my tiny fixed perspective looking at the world from inside the microcosmic hollow-spere; and the little pinprick hook-stars are ugly and make my eyes bleed sadness.