Fantastic Wedding Toast or Best Man Speech

This is adapted from a speech given in the Kurosawa movie "The Bad Sleep Well."

Traditionally, in making a wedding toast, we stick to the same old sugarcoated cliches. Frankly, my father isn't crazy about the aspects of (insert groom's name)'s past outlined in a detective agency report.

But then it's not my father getting married. (Pause for laughter.)

My father has to accept that (insert bride's name) is in love with him. Fact is, I love him too. We became friends a year and a half ago when I bought a used sport car from his tiny car dealership. Since then, I've learned that (insert groom's name) has a rare sense of justice.

Rumors are flying about this wedding, about (insert groom's name) using my sister's disability to boost himself up the corporate ladder. But I swear it can't be true. I'm firmly convinced of that.

Hey, (insert groom's name.) I'm counting on you to look after my sister. She's had a tough life. I may be a mess but I'd do anything to protect her. Listen, (insert groom's name.) If you make my sister unhappy, I swear I'll kill you.