Who has time to blog?

So I watched Zombie and the Ghost Train with my aunt Edna, age 91. And she didn't like it because it had no plot and it was very depressing. It's a Finnish movie by Aki's brother Maki about an alcoholic bass player in the dead of Finnish winter. I told Edna that I like depressing movies. I prefer depressing movies, usually. And she said, well, then you've never experienced real pain in your life.

Things you learn when you ask

My real last name is Tarkka.

The Ellis Island people changed it to Jackson. Jacob Tarkka came to America and they said, no no, Jacob, son of Jac, Jackson. It probably happened in less than a second. No no, no Tarkka. Jacobson, Jackson, yer Jackson. Next.

So I'm Dan Tarkka. I probably could get something published easier with that name.

Sincere question to whoever reads this

I just heard a lady on a radio-commercial say that this was the best product she ever used. I missed the first half of the commercial so I don't know what this is.

My question is, what is the best product you've ever used?

When crime isn't crime

It's that time of the year, I guess.

Things going the way of the dodo

Us.

via bob harris

One thing that has gone the way of the Dodo...

is the Dodo.



Foolish, foolish birds.

In Other Sports News

Lazio striker Paolo Di Canio is a "fascist" not a "rascist." Hmph. If only more Republicans had Di Canio's Chutzpah.

The straw that broke the...

Embrace chaos.


World War III... begins...

The sincerest form of posthumous flattery.

Having your bones stolen.

Ricky Gervais and that Damn Cambodian Government

The story about 42 Cambodian midget fighters getting mutilated by a lion turns out to be wholly untrue.

Nonetheless, you should still listen to the commentary on Guardian Unlimited.

podcast

http://podcast.chrysalis.com/BestOfClive.aspx

should plug this in your podcaster to hear this, for a great conversation between Clive Bull and a bloke from an Indian call center.

It's almost 7 am

And I can really relate to this guy. I like your style, S.B.

It's true

Karma sucks. But never forget:

as well as:

Lest we forget

Wow!

This guy really doesn't like his wife!

I am one big ass.

Mental note to myself: I am insane

James Joyce

of the 21st century?

Those in the know

Those in the know know that other people's lives/blogs are much more interesting than mine. And kinda not.

I'm still sick. I've gone from Shostokovich to Joy Division. If I go back to my futon I'll have to just lay there and be miserable and read about the miserable character in Handmaid's Tale. Funny, I always thought I liked depressing books. My favorite book in High School was 1984, one of the more depressing books I've read.

I will get through this night alive. Because it will soon be morning. And then I can get up and be sick during the day instead of during the night. Somehow that's comforting.

a hack in a trance

Been listening to a lot of Shostokovich lately. Mainly catching up with I used to listen to in the Before Time (Before Music School circa 1994). It is interesting coming back to all this music that assiduously avoided all these years. I came back to classical music very casually, very slowly, via minimalism, mainly John Adams. Back in the Before Time I loved Shostokovich, mainly symphony no. 5. But also the bombast of 11 and 15. I'm not so in love with his stuff now--but there are certain moments in his pieces which are very beautiful, and definitely prefigure Spiritual Minimalism. It's good to listen to when you're sick as a dog and you can't sleep and you're reading a very depressing book (Atwood's Handmaid's Tale.)

Things could be worse. Things have been worse. It's hard to put things in perspective.

Everywhere people are asking

Why are Nigerian movies so popular?

You heard it here second.

Butt's Bach Scoop

John Butt scoops who but Bach's butt.

(That sentence just didn't sound right with only six syllables.)

Links

I've added LINKS to the right, there, below the archives; just cause I'm an html genius. Envy of all the other bloggers. If you have a link you think I should put up; or you are friend (or not) of mine and you don't see your website, please let me know either via email or the comments. Thank you very much.

...few broken links. I'm not a good debugger.

Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!

Secret laws!

Go straight to cover-ups

For the straight shit.

My search for truth

in google has led me thus far.

Hey, not every day you get handy sencerity chart.

No sleep for true blog

I found. I'm proud. Good for the time that is now in my mind.

The Hat I've been searching for all my life

And it only costs $200 bucks! I might have to threaten to shut down this blog unless I get this hat for Chanukah!!!!!!

I've never wanted a hat before. I know I sound like a spoiled child. But I want this hat more than anything else in the world. I could conquer the world with this hat. Man, I want this hat.

This hat:

Doesn't it just make you want to cry??
I didn't even know I was searching for a hat. All this time I thought I was looking for love, for an ipod, or fame. When really, the secret to all my happiness lies in a hat.

I gotta get me that hat!

Funny in any language

Czech out deez jokes!

hell fuckin' yeah

Just give me Zurich. I won't complain.

Reminds me of cookies, har-har-har

Proust observation by Tom Tomorrow.


No offense, Tom, but who doesn't like being reminded by cookies? I like cookies. They like me. No cookie ever stood me up.

The war on Chanukah

Somebody has been circulating this around the internet. It's supposed to be cute. But I think it goes too far. Judge for yourself:

There are many misconceptions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukah. This should clear them up!


1. Christmas is one day, same day, every year: December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the movies and eat babies.

2. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that is. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jew asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the Elders of Zion, the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.

3. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat their children and sharpen our horns

4. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos. Jews sell them.

5. There is only one way to spell Christmas. It includes the word Christ, who was some Jewish guy, and the word mas, which is not a word. Well...I guess it could stand for MASS. (For the Jews out there, these aren't religious terms. They're holiday terms. (And the fact that holiday includes the word holi has nothing to do with holy. Stop making connections that aren't there, asshole!)) No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

6. Christmas is at time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. Especially from a Jew.

7. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. It harder to see how ugly we are to one another. We take off our skin at night. Freud was such a pervert because all Jews are sexual deviants. Plus why the hell do you think we have such a powerful Israeli lobbying force in Washington? For religious freedom? Fuck no, Jerk! Oil for our Chanukah candles!

8. Christmas carols are beautiful? Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are stupid. They are demeaning. They are about stupid dreidels made from stupid clay or having a stupid party and dancing the stupid horah or whatever the fuck it’s called... Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by Jews. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? No. Your religion is more evil than ours.

9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. That's because we are selfish, rude, filthy and paranoid.

10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes. Sadomasochistic sex was invented by Jewish women to take their minds off the holidays.

11. Parents deliver to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights because Jews are stingy. Filth.

12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our gentile friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. When in truth we perpetuate nothing but paranoia.

13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here, eat a Palestinian baby."

Finally. We can find out who killed Bambi.

Ladies and Gentleman. I bring you Earth. Googlized.

Zombie Metaphors

I'm looking forward to this. Very much so. Who knew. Maybe Zombie movies are the most important works of art of our time. Romero's original Dawn of the Dead the Don Giovanni of our times.

Could be. You can't deny the possibility.

Frank Zappa can kiss my ass. (Now THAT would be a scary movie. Return of the Living Dead Prog-Rockers. Yipes. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.)

Screenwriting tips for aspirant screenwriters

DO NOT WRITE THESE LINES FOR A MOVIE CALLED THE COOLER:

young harvard grad talks to the aging, tough, vaguely Brooklynesque casino owner:

NOSTALGIA IS GREAT. BUT NOSTALGIA BELONGS IN A MUSEUM. I THINK IT COMES TIME TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU ARE RUNNING A MUSEUM OR (pauses just so for a portentous effect) YOU'RE RUNNING A CASINO.

nice use of repetition, guys. the writers are Frank Hannah & Wayne Kramer.

DO WRITE THESE LINES FOR A MOVIE CALLED ANNIE HALL STARRING WOODY ALLEN AND DIANE KEATON:

woody allen character to diane keaton character after sex:

AS BALZAC SAID, THERE GOES ANOTHER NOVEL.

MUSICLINKYTHING-0

Hey, I added a link to the right to my mspace music page. Let me know what you think. You should click on my friend's pages too. Rad Unicorn and John Carpenter got some cool stuff up on there.

How I simultaneously cover my ass and don't

I believe that the only true meaning to be found is within paradox.

That's my intro statement for a post-script on all the sci-fi fascism b.s. I've been spewing. First off, if I am a writer, I am also a writer of sci-fi. I don't read much sf anymore because I just can't. But my first novel, which I will put up in blog form in the near future, is unabashedly sci-fi. The current novel I'm working on is not sci-fi, but it has fantastical elements. My next book I want to write will probably be SF.

Ergo, sum, ipso facto, Dan Jackson is a fascist. QED.